Love Hurts

I'm feeling angry, hurt, and defeated  today by events that I'm not going to post here, but there is always something that will make me smile on even the darkest of days.  Lex and Lilly.  While I sat in their room last night, staying with them until they fell sleep,  fighting the urge to not burn down houses and start ridiculous knock down drag out fights, my daughter whispers, "I love you mommy" and I find that for just a moment I forget all about my horrible revenge plans.

I sat in the dark listening to them rustle their cover,s their slowing breathing, and I found it hard to breathe.  I love my children so much that sometimes it physically hurts.  I look at them and my throat constricts and I can't seem to get any breath into my lungs.  My heart beats wildly fast and irregularly.  I think I am going to have a panic attack.  I find myself at odd moments during the day hugging them, touching their faces, and smelling their hair..  I can't seem to get enough of them. Sometimes I wonder if a child can die from being loved to much, because certainly mine are being smothered by my love.  But I can't help it.  My love for them is something that grows every moment of the day until I don't think I can love anymore. Then the next day comes and I do.  I love them so much it hurts, and it saves me all at the same time. I guess that is what it means to be a mother.